Independence and independent key to happiness

"As the values ​​of liberty are vigilant – so independence is self-determination, the price of respect is self-reliance and the price of respect is self-respect," wrote a psychiatrist. Thomas Szasz.

Self-determination and self-esteem are a key key that most unhappy people need to understand the concept of taking full responsibility for and managing their own lives. Until they find this key, the dissatisfied men dream that there is someone else who can do it better, who can dismantle those who can better guarantee them than they can. who can protect and care for them.

Confidence and happiness begin when we realize how fake and destructive this dream is; when we understand that no one can care for us better and that only we are responsible for our lives. and when we start learning effective ways to do this yourself.

By developing self-confidence and independence, which is the ability to care for and be responsible for yourself, you will gain:

(1) Emotional Competence: Emotional tools necessary to get rid of self-confidence. Being responsible can make effective choices and choices for yourself, weighing choices, and evaluating ethical issues and solutions. When problems arise, an independent person has demonstrated his or her ability to face it properly, learn as much as possible about it, considers many possibilities, weighs each passing option, and sometimes looks for advice and advice before making a decision. is taken. As an independent and self-employed person, you can ask for help, but you remain responsible for how much and what kind of help you accept, and you make clear agreements on what is expected instead.

(2) Internal Role: As you develop self-reliance and self-reliance, you also develop the model that allows you to choose appropriate friends and relevant spouses. The interaction you have with you is a model for all your other relationships. For example, if you often criticize you, you are more likely to be around others who are critical, because it is familiar.

Similarly, independence and independence in yourself also helps to see it in others. When you have a caring, responsible relationship with yourself, you develop a built-in model to use as a basis for your friendship and close relationship with others. As you gain more experience in defining good friendships, your circle of good friends begins with your relationship with yourself, expands to a few new friends, and always grows in a supportive family of "choices" that strengthen your independence and independence.

(3) Self-Understanding: You understand that you are responsible for yourself and have to learn what you need to make your life successful, practical and happy. rather than waiting for someone else, or trying to get another approval.

Caring for and being responsible for yourself requires skills that are usually learned at the beginning of a child. However, we do not always get a healthy positive example we need, so we grow up without having to learn. This is not unusual, or completely teaching our parents. If you were gradually taught and encouraged to have childhood self-confidence, you would learn the necessary skills and attitudes toward independent living once. Unfortunately for many of us, our parents were not trained in independence either and cannot be taught.

Even popular parenting idea & # 39; "responsibility" for children can be productive. Parents who see their role as managing their offspring rather than teaching them to make decisions on their own, teachers depend on children rather than independence.

Another reason for self-confidence may seem difficult because most of our community is actively involved. The media of love and affection, parents "I know what is best for you" beliefs among relief workers, religious and political computers and the generally accepted idea of ​​parents and # 39; "duty" creates an atmosphere where independence appears to be selfish and alien. We are taught to care for others for martyrdom and to look after ourselves as "independent" and "independent".

Children who do not care for others, selfishness, and self-defense (as opposed to guilt and duty) become dependent on and unsatisfactory adults.

Recovery programs challenge this attitude by delaying caring for others regardless of their self as "consistency" and "activating". Twelve-step programs such as ACA and Al-Anon have a popular concept far from being in the psychology of the doctrine: being overly dependent on others is unhealthy. However, while all of these have indicated that dependence is unhealthy, they have not yet learned to appreciate self-confidence.

Contrary to what you think, self-confidence and independence really enhance relationships with others and allow to give and receive truly unconventional. Only one who is fully capable of caring for him or herself can be free to love and give freely; deprived of men give grudgingly.

High on Learning

As children, our natural curiosity is powerful. In fact, young children are small "assessment". All of their being focused on learning through the five senses. Studies show that children are "lit" by situations where they can learn. Their bodies produce hormones such as adrenaline and endorphin-natural substances that produce "natural ways" – their own body, inner motivation and payroll system.

Looking at new experiences, as long as they feel safe and unclean, children are very interested in exploring and learning. Safe toddlers are catered for with bright colors, new sounds and new experiences – they find your jingle cars fascinating. For a child who has support, loving, practical parents, the world is a fun, safe place to stay and learning is exciting and exciting. Children who feel safe are forced by their joy in learning to pass, starting to take some risks and starting to work independently for their parents. It is taking these risks, under the supervision of parents and support initially and incrementally independent as the child gets older, that the necessary skills of self-confidence are first learned.

Independence grows out of this healthy learning experience. By taking risks we learn how to solve problems, and also how to deal with disappointments and failures. As we have learned these skills, our experience of life is effective and creates confidence that we can rely on ourselves to experiment, solve new problems we face and to comfort our disappointments and correct our mistakes. Knowing this, we know we can handle ourselves.

Frightened, insecure children, however, are dependent on adults around them. Their world is too uncertain to quit, and they look at others to solve their problems and take care of their feelings. Being ignorant of your suggestions, feelings, wishes and inner talks leaves you out of control, unable to figure out how to satisfy yourself. It's actually like you don't have your life, as someone else has to run.

A solid self-awareness means knowing your sensitivity and ability, being realistic about it and working accordingly. My latest e-book, The Real 13th Step, teaches talent and beliefs that lead to confidence.


What is ruthless compassion?

Ruthless compassion is a philosophy consisting of two seeming contradictions. It combines a loving compassion with a fierce warrior, and that's exactly why it works.

Many of us today misunderstand mercy as an "excellence" attitude, where we feel obliged to take care of others at their own expense, endure disrespect, and even accept their other behaviors. We believe that we cannot be "hurt" or "rude" to others, even if this means leaving our own needs and feelings. We forgive invincible and believe that all this is a good person.

In fact, true compassion has nothing to do with being good and everything that needs to be done by doing right for ourselves and others. It is about being loving but powerful, as opposed to tolerance and forgiveness, and this is where the mercy comes.

Philosophy I propose allows us to care for ourselves at the same time as caring for others. It is about not being able to get away with their painful or degrading behavior, but allow them to experience the consequences of their choices and thus have the opportunity to learn. This is a far child but allowing them to constantly repeat their mistakes.

These philosophers encourage us to do so rather than believe it means "consciously" because the best way to learn about the people in our lives is to monitor their response to our needs and feelings.

Ruthless compassion supports us in developing self-love and self-confidence and not protecting others from the natural consequences of their choice. For example, if we clean up our alcoholic spouses and plug them into beds every time they binge, they will never learn that their drink has consequences or has been encouraged to change.

Our misunderstanding of compassion benefits no one, but ruthless compassion is much more loving, even if others are unhappy with the consequences they face. In reality, neglect of cruelty is the neglect, but the philosophy of affectionate affairs lowers it.

We wrongly believe that forgiveness is essential in life, but I think this is not always possible or necessary. What is necessary can be omitted. When someone has hurt or betrayed us, it cannot be our forgiveness, but we can release our anger and pain after we have recognized the value of our experience. Forcing us to forgive when we cannot (and should not) cause us any further pain.

If one wishes, wishes and promises to do better, we may choose to forgive, but it is not necessary. It may be that we forgive them not only for what they need to encourage them to really change. As long as we do not have to bear bitterness, resentment, or vengefulness in our hearts, we do not have to forgive them for their sake or for our own.

Ruthless compassion is about taking the position of strength in our lives. It says, "No more!" exploitation, disrespect, and cruelty. To practice it means being safer in the world and with this sense of security it is much easier to be happy and peaceful by knowing that we will cope with whatever is left.

(C) Marcia Sirota MD 2010